It’s a reoccurring dream I have. It’s always a quick flash but leave a brutal impact on my brain. In my dream, I unleash verbally on my Mom for probably less than a minute. But it is a full-on flash of rage. I am screaming, yelling, swearing and often standing over her in a threatening manner. This time, I was pointing at her face and moving towards her aggressively swearing and said “you want to know, you want to know fine I’ll tell you every disgusting detail” and this time she fell to the floor and crumbled into a ball crying as she replied “what do want me to say? I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
I know that I have anger at my Mom. I have worked very hard to get rid of it. I have tried to see things from her view and her life. I still know deep inside that the child is enraged with her. I know why. I choose to walk a different path. I choose to spare my Mother my rage. She has not earned it. Not all of it. And if that can gets opened, I still do not trust myself not to unleash on her. These dreams are a constant reminder of that.
This dream and the others are nightly reminders that I survived a fucked up childhood and upbringing. And that PTSD remains alive and active in my broken brain. I hate it. I hate dreaming of being chased, trying to escape a burning building or being raped. I would give almost anything to make the nightmares stop.