I just realized that deep inside I am still afraid he will come for me someday. He swore it to me.
I was face down on a gravel road in Oregon. My knee’s and hands bleeding from being pushed to the ground. He had just raped me. I was crying and he decided I needed a reason. My Mother was just down the road and around the bend in the river. “If you ever tell anyone I will kill you and I will kill Mom. Someday I will fucking kill you.”
He just left me there. I realize now, I was afraid he would kill my Mom back then. Today I still know there is only one reason he would suddenly appear in front of me. I have nightmares about it. I also fear my reaction. Would I freeze? Would I be terrified and reduced to a little girl? Would I snap? Would I defend myself?
I hope someday never comes.
