Standing Up For ME

Every time I stood up for myself as a girl I was chastised and punished.  I am 48yrs old and just learning to stand up for myself every time.  Sometimes, I still allow people to walk over me.  I would say I am somewhere around 60 /40.  That number needs to change.

Standing up for me does not feel natural.   I have had to learn how to do so with the proper amount of tone and inflection.  I can’t let that shit build up inside me.  For my sake and for those I love.  Learning to stand my ground and speak my boundaries in a sane and appropriate manner has been difficult.  I find myself checking myself, choosing my words and tone wisely and then moving on.  I owe no one an explanation for my boundaries.  Not even myself.

I was spoken down to and belittled for so long that I have zero patience for it now.  I can be told that I wrong, need to be redirected and whatever other super hippy way you want to say it.  I can take direction.  I can not take being spoken down to.  Being spoken to with a tone that says you are stupid for not knowing this.  My StepFather chastised my Mother and me by asking us rhetorical questions in a shitty “you are so fucking stupid” tone of voice.   I would usually stand there blinking searching my mind for what to say to this giant man whom I feared every day.  You didn’t ever want to set him off.  I’ve spoken of it before.  His and Mother’s claim to fame is that he never touched me.  He didn’t need to.  She was just as afraid of him.  I have tapes of her fear in my head.

I find standing up to men to still be a more difficult challenge.  They use that tone I begin to crumble.  It usually takes everything I have got for me to retain my dignity and stand my ground.  The happier I become the easier it gets.  A bright shining happy person is easier to hear “no thank you” from then a raging freaking out angry bitch.  Just say’n.

be someone

 

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