I’m on my path and moving forward.

Well hello there.  Sorry I have been away.  I have been making changes and getting better.  Slowly.  There is no fast road to heal this injury.  But I rounded a corner and am fighting hard.  I am about to take the next step which is warm and hot yoga at a studio.  I have pain.  I have back spasms.  My neck and my knees and blah blah blah.  But I also have a beautiful life which I am not ready to quit living.  I am inspired to do more.  So no matter how much I hate it I am going to yoga class and I am getting off these fucking meds.

I’m in vicodin aka opiate withdrawal.  Right at this moment the symptoms are strong.  My heart is palpitating, I’ve had random muscle cramps and spasms all day, diarrhea for a couple of days and I cried multiple times today.  I’ve started weaning myself slowly at least five times in the last few years.  Then I get injured and the number of pills goes up again.  This time I am determined to use meditation and yoga to heal and strengthen myself.  So I’m 48hrs without any opiates and my body is pissed.  Trust me if it gets to where I can’t take it I’ll swallow one.  I’m not an idiot.  It’s hot hot hot in Seattle.  That helps.  But I am expecting pain and stomach issues and whatever.  I should look up the symptoms.

A few posts back I talked about making the decision to be Lesbian and the kind of woman I wanted.  I set it into my meditation and made very specific promises to myself, all revolving around being true to myself.  I thought about what it had taken for me to reach this place.  How hard I worked to find me and get honest about what I wanted.  I meditated on the women I have loved -vs- the women I desired.  I thought about my own brain washing by society vs what I truly found sexy in a woman.  I finally got really honest with myself and as I did so I was able to admit a few things….

1) It’s not the women in porn who turn me on.  It’s the women I see in the Lesbian world who are real about who they are at all times.  Righteous unapologetic women.  I finally found the courage to say not only do I agree with these women but I am one.  And somehow that realization has killed porn for me.  Well the kind I have watched since discovering it in my twenties.  ((((gasp))) Yes I watch porn.  Yes I like it.  I have a hub site I have gone to for years.  Now I can’t find what I want on there.  I’m terrified of what will come up if I enter the terms in google.  LMFAO

2) I want to ride on the back of a bike with a Butch in control.  Not just ride the bike but live the life.  I have since about age 15 which was the first time I saw a gorgeous bad ass Lesbian on a bike.  I have watched from a distance and never dared to seek them out until now.  I have ridden with men and never felt safe.  First ride with a woman and I was relaxed.  Guess what?  They are as badass and awesome as I have imagined and then some.

3) I’m gay.  I swear to you on everything that is holy I have never even considered the possibility until recently.  How can that be?  Let me try to explain.  Yes I have been with women and yes I have loved women.  The first woman I said I loved was lust and greed really.  She was a mentor of sorts in a world where status is earned publicly or not at all.  The second woman to hear me say those precious words was the first I truly loved and will love for always.  The love has changed but it won’t die.  So how could I just now be realizing I am a big’o gay Lesbian?  Because I have held onto the notion that my sexual desires are the only thing that determine my sexuality.  I no longer agree with that belief.  I hold fast to the belief that your sexuality – what turns you on – has nothing to do with your character and who you are as a person.  I know some pretty evil miserable rotten straight people and I know some equally in the gay and kink communities.  I have seen some mind-blowing amaze balls make you cry honorable straight people work magic in my lifetime.  Again I have seen the same in the gay and kink communities.  To believe that what a person does behind closed doors consensually with another human being somehow makes his/her mind or heart less than is simple ignorance.  So riddle me this.  Why have I believed that my sexual desires determine what my relationships should look like?  I heard the words come out of my mouth “I have no desire for an emotional connection with a man.  I can’t connect with their energy and feel good anymore.”  I don’t hate men.  I love my Son.  I love my Father and Brothers and many male friends.  I simply have reached a place where I am no longer desire to give what it takes to engage with a man sexually or connect on a heart level.  That is my definition of Lesbian.

I’m taking my meds.  I’m going to my appointments.  I’m walking and doing what I am supposed to for my health.  I’m eating healthy.  I’m on my path and moving forward.  The PTSD is getting quieter.  I am facing fears and saying no to them.  Therapy for the mother fucking win!

Advertisements