No matter how I feel inside and out, today is not about me. Today is about my Son and whatever he needs and wants. He has asked for an upbeat celebration and good day downtown Seattle. That is what I will endeavor to give him. My pain, emotional and physical, can fuck off.
One year ago today I drove stunned and clearly in shock in response to the third phone call of an inner circle death in the dark shaking my head in disbelief that it was happening again. But this time it was my Son that I would have to hold myself up for and listen to as he screamed and cried behind a closed hospital room door. I sucked it the fuck up and shoved my shit way down deep. My whole body clenched and jerked as he screamed Dad Dad No Dad…… I will never forget that sound nor the immediate change in my Son just an hour later.
My Xhusband had a heart attack and put his car into a wall on Father’s Day 2014. Tell me how I can ever do anything less than everything my Son asks of me on this day for the rest of my life? So right now I am going to shower, put on makeup and dress beautifully. I am going to smile and laugh and joke with my Son and his pregnant girlfriend. I will raise a glass and tell grand stories of our time together as a family and B’s childhood. I will honor the man I am so blessed to have co-parented with. I have to let myself cry a little now. I cry because I realize how hard the next few years will be without Mike to co-grandparent with. I cry because I can still hear my Son screaming and no Mother should ever have to hear that. I cry because I know how bad my son is hurting today. I cry because grief is a part of love and I have chosen to love deeply. I understand that now.
The cover image is my Xhusband, my Son and I at OzzFest at the Gorge Ampitheater. It is 2004. A year after our divorce. Which we did amicably for $300.00. He wasn’t perfect. I am not perfect. We did not fuck each other over. It made being friends and co-parenting a dream. I was lucky. I had no legal right to my Son when I left. I was very lucky and I guess maybe just realizing today that maybe I didnt choose “that” badly when I married….????