I should not be surprised. I woke up at 5AM in a foul mood, in physical pain and the fucking internet was out. I went to bed dreading today and ohh look it started out shitty. I’m like a ticking time bomb inside waiting to unleash my BOOM.
In two hours I will be leaving to make the drive to Portland for my Step Grandfather’s memorial service. He was a very good man. He was always kind to me. Other members of my Step Mom’s family not so much. There is added tension between my brother and I that I can’t speak of. So today promises to suck dirty sweaty haven’t been washed for months hippy balls. Well at least a few hours of it this afternoon.
What I would like to do is rise above the BS and shine like a ray of light. I picked a sleeveless dress as it is what we consider “hot” in the NW today. I also packed black pants with two sleeveless top options. I have thousands of dollars worth of art on my arms and I am not hiding them for anyone. I wont be the only tattooed person there. But I am the “freak” of the family and it always is made clear. So how can I be me and not let them know how much I hate being there? How good have I become at tolerating the glances, the stares and those fucking whispers? How I hate the whispers most of all.
It’s so bizzare how the don’t know me. They don’t know that the world I live in holds me as one of it’s trusted and dedicated leaders. Even after my two years of grief and the PTSD being triggered. When I came out of my cave and said “hey I’m OK now” they came running to embrace and continue to trust me. These people who stand in judgement over me have no idea the countless hours I have put into serving and helping the homeless, building art festivals for the public or helping local urban farms improve the grounds to feed hundreds of people for years to come. They don’t know me. Yet they sit and stare and judge. Inside I will be flipping them off with both hands. Outside I will be shining like the sun. I am fucking determined.
Here’s an example of how I am seen. I was a teen and had come for visitation with my Dad. We went to a “family gathering” at my Step Mom’s parents house. The house is filled with people. I am quietly standing in one corner of the kitchen watching my Step Mom laugh, chat and prepare food with her Sister and a couple other ladies. My Step Mom asked me to open the cupboard behind me and hand her a mixing bowl. I hesitated, verified what cupboard I was to open and then reached up to do so. One of the Aunts came walking in the kitchen just as I did so. She forcibly shut the cupboard I had barely opened and snapped at me “NO! What are you doing?” My Step Mom quickly said that she had asked me to help and the Aunt said something under her breath and walked out. That was the day it was clear to me that I was not a part of the family and that my mental health issues had been a topic of conversation. And for some reason she thought I was either snooping or stealing. I have dreaded and hated seeing these people ever since. I have felt unwelcome and unwanted since that day but have gone when asked by my Step Mom or Father out of respect. I’m 45yrs old and could throw up right now……
Why am I going? Because I love my Step Mother, I love my Father and I was invited to come and honor a man who deserves my energy.
I choose to be present. I choose to accept where I am and be peaceful in the moment. I will not allow the behavior of others to steal my peace. Even when the others are hypocritical judgemental shallow cunts.
Ohhh and I bought a vape pen with a lovely Sativa blend. I can walk outside and get ripped with no one being able to tell. No bloodshot eyes and no smell. I will sit quietly stoned judging them for judging me. Yeah thats the plan 😉