I’m at the doctor for my monthly check in and Rx refill. I am ordered to take a random drug screen. They tested me 39days ago. I get it. New doc and she’s doing her job. I’m super happy I am a good girl. I signed a contract saying I if I ever test positive for anythingn other then what she prescribes I am cut off from pain treatment and meds. Fair enough.
Now if only I can only pee in this damn cup….
I’m afraid to fully embrace this good feeling. I know the pain will come screaming back and I will have a bad pain day. It holds me back from living fully. Everything I do I make sure I look good and pain free. Inside every step I take I am wondering if this will be it. Will my back cease up and make me catch my breath? Will my knee’s begin to scream like I’m being stabbed? And so on and so on.
This is last night. I had dinner in the sun with a beautiful woman who made me laugh until my cheeks hurt.
My pain was kept at bay. I am grateful that I am healing. But look back a few months ago and I am writing about begging the gods to make it fucking stop. I realized this morning that not only do I feel guilty for looking good but I am afraid people won’t believe me when I tell them how the pain rattles me life and takes me down. I have had FM for fifteen years now and I am still not used to being judged for it.
It’s fucking bullshit. FM and this ruptured disk don’t always show. And yes I don’t go out when it’s horrid. But you would think my character would be enough. Fuck guilt. I’m not Catholic so I don’t have to carry it. I’m not going to sit around and look like shit because some people think that’s what sick looks like.
The longer I stay in therapy specifically to treat the PTSD the more clarity I see in my own mind. Seems logical right. Yet I often find myself the morning after a therapy session meditating on the revelations I had the day before. Yesterday’s session was not emotional, there were no tears and honestly at 30mins I started watching the clock and was ready to leave. I centered, focused and told myself I will stay in the process for my long term health. That’s when the lights starting coming on.
We began to talk about my X’s and my patterns. My contributions good or bad to a relationship. We were discussing my value and what I bring to a relationship that is far more valuable than money. Kate (my therapist) looked at me and said “Ozzy I want you to see what you bring to any relationship as valuable. I want you to see that you are a great catch and an excellent girfriend especially now having walked through the last two years and came out stronger then ever before. You own a successful business that you built with your hands, you own your home and it doesn’t matter if you inherited the money. You made the correct choice to buy a home for yourself and not spend the money frivolously …….” She kept talking but I was gone and nodding. She saw it and went quiet. For the first time I agreed with her. Wholeheartedly in my heart I agree with her. The realization stunned me silent for a moment. After six years with her I looked at her and said “you’re right and I know you’re right. I know you’re right because I know who I am and what I do all day everyday. I like how I run my life. I am the shit.”
When I let go of shame for my childhood and entire past it opened a door I had thought I might never get open. A massive door in my heart with a sign that reads “the ability to love oneself”. I saw it as cemented shut for all of eternity and was trying to learn to live with it. In that moment yesterday I realized I love me
again, more than before…… I just love me. No big bomb. No trumpeting angels on high. Just calm peaceful acceptance and love. And acceptance that I am OK with loving me.
And yeah, I am one hell of a catch. And she’s right about another thing too. The next person who gets next to to me is going to have to start with my mind and earn my respect by being who they are. No song, no dance just naturally a bad ass righteous woman with or without me watching. She is going to have to be worthy to stand next to me. And I’m really OK with that too.
Pic is a bracelet I left as a gift for the VooDoo Queen in NOLA in March of 2013.
I’m just going to come right out and say it and I know some of you will unfollow me or leave angry comments.
Josh Duggar should be in jail. Josh Duggar should not be in any form of leadership. Given the opportunity I would serve him my form of justice. His Sisters will live with what he did for the rest of their lives. And now they will know that their parents and the leadership in the church protected their abuser from prosecution thereby telling them they are not important and that the man is far superior to them.
I would like to smack the stupid out of all involved. I can’t even bring myself to post a picture…… God doesn’t cure child molesters you fucking idiots…..
What the fuck is wrong with people? This man preaches against homosexuals and transexuals. People who do not molest children!! WTF Mr. Duggar? I look forward to the day karma reaches up and bitch slaps you. I hope the media destroys everything you and your sick family built and I hope they print pictures.
Burn in hell….. Ohh wait it doesn’t exist. That is why you should be in federal prison getting what is coming to you.
Michelle Duggar you need to search your sole. How can you betray your daughters like this???
Where is the magic line? What is the perfect number of dates before you reveal the flaws you are working on. You know the areas of life you would be embarrassed to discuss with the stranger you just met for first date but topics you should share with someone when “things get serious.” What is serious? Where is the magic line?
I’ve let go of shame. I’m pretty good at facing my demons these days. But when do you share with someone that these are my weaknesses and I’m handling them? Or better yet I don’t need you to handle them for me. I have zero desire to hide anything and just as much desire to not sound like a drama queen. I think I’m going to be me and walk through life with nothing to hide. I am capable of setting good boundaries today. I don’t have to give an explanation for my needs. For the first time in my life I know that I matter and with that comes a kind of freedom. Freedom to speak up pleasantly and get my needs met without explanation of why my past has given me this need. It doesn’t matter. I matter. And I love that I have learned how to be kind, pleasant and still assertive.
I got off track. I’m going tell anyone who gets close to that “feeling” that if something they see or hear bothers them or even just leaves her with a question, to please just bring it to me and I’ll tell you the truth. But I am not going to lay out all my demons past and present. I just don’t see it as necessary any longer. Hmmm….. That’s a change for sure.
Pic is what I did tonight. Those are empty toilet paper roles being made into light up necklaces for little kids.
Im just going to say it. Dating is so weird. Shocking I know. I don’t know that I’ve ever been good at dating until now. I sometimes look back at my behavior as a younger woman and wonder how I survived.
I’m so happy to be a mature woman who can keep her chemicals at bay and think with her head. And by chemicals I mean emotions. I think I may actually enjoy this round of dating because I don’t allow the insane flow of fantasy and emotions. I feel more grounded and centered on me then ever before.
Then again I am female and I could change my mind tomorrow. LoL LoL