I want to try to share something with you. I already know it will be a struggle to find the words. I pushed past some things this weekend and grew as a person. The growth brought me realizations about my present and my very insecure and neurotic former self.
I was not a “bad person” in the sense of someone not to be trusted or whom would let you down. But I sure did think I was. And my insecurities led me to many a crying break down when faced with the feeling of “they don’t like me.” It’s a huge part of my social anxiety. There were a couple of moments This weekend where the old me (pre-treatment) would have walked away and cried alone because I felt “they were being mean to me because they don’t like me.” Well in my 20’s I would have cried. In my 30’s I would have binge eaten and gone to bed and the last ten years I would have gotten drunk or (other). I would have needed to express or numb the feeling(s).
But this weekend I saw or maybe felt a change in me. I stayed present when the insecure feelings hit. I smiled and I interacted with women I didn’t know. I made new friends. I brought hand made gifts and they were well received. I gave and received love with women I have known for about ten years and some I just met. And I didn’t partake in anything I had no business mixing with my meds. Guess what? The ladies whom I was convinced were treating me like shit ended up thanking me for my gifts and hugging me goodbye when they left. Be it sincere or forced to save face, they did it. Just as I did. The one woman who I know was feeling uncomfortable around me passed a plate of food and we exchanged a “thank you & your welcome.” That was it. She and her friends left early. I have no idea if it has to do with me or not. I don’t have the energy to care.
I never, not one time not even for a second allowed my insecurities to show. I didn’t even “need to talk” and get validation from a friend. I sat in my chair, strutted around in my boots, snapped my new whip everyday and enjoyed myself every single minute. I gave freely of my love and received the same. I laughed and played all over this campground with beautiful amazing women.
I did think of A often. I was asked a few times where she was and how she is doing. I guess the news of our breakup never made the front page of the Burner news. LoL. It’s good that people care. I am grateful I was able to say with complete honesty that her and I have made peace and that I have encouraged her to stay in the community and take a lead role. We both got hurt. Doesn’t make her not an amazing person. Once I got past the anger at the pain, I remembered why I chased her so hard. Because she’s fucking amazing. That was the other moment of growth this weekend. When Inrealized that A will be an asset to these ladies events and to the community. She is one of us. I’m ready to have her around. She has been super respectful of my need for space. I’m grateful for that but it’s time to tell her it’s OK to come around.
Pic is about 7PM in my comfy onesie jammies. Good night.
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