I’m at the doctor for my monthly check in and Rx refill. I am ordered to take a random drug screen. They tested me 39days ago. I get it. New doc and she’s doing her job. I’m super happy I am a good girl. I signed a contract saying I if I ever test positive for anythingn other then what she prescribes I am cut off from pain treatment and meds. Fair enough.
Now if only I can only pee in this damn cup….
I’m afraid to fully embrace this good feeling. I know the pain will come screaming back and I will have a bad pain day. It holds me back from living fully. Everything I do I make sure I look good and pain free. Inside every step I take I am wondering if this will be it. Will my back cease up and make me catch my breath? Will my knee’s begin to scream like I’m being stabbed? And so on and so on.
This is last night. I had dinner in the sun with a beautiful woman who made me laugh until my cheeks hurt.
My pain was kept at bay. I am grateful that I am healing. But look back a few months ago and I am writing about begging the gods to make it fucking stop. I realized this morning that not only do I feel guilty for looking good but I am afraid people won’t believe me when I tell them how the pain rattles me life and takes me down. I have had FM for fifteen years now and I am still not used to being judged for it.
It’s fucking bullshit. FM and this ruptured disk don’t always show. And yes I don’t go out when it’s horrid. But you would think my character would be enough. Fuck guilt. I’m not Catholic so I don’t have to carry it. I’m not going to sit around and look like shit because some people think that’s what sick looks like.
The longer I stay in therapy specifically to treat the PTSD the more clarity I see in my own mind. Seems logical right. Yet I often find myself the morning after a therapy session meditating on the revelations I had the day before. Yesterday’s session was not emotional, there were no tears and honestly at 30mins I started watching the clock and was ready to leave. I centered, focused and told myself I will stay in the process for my long term health. That’s when the lights starting coming on.
We began to talk about my X’s and my patterns. My contributions good or bad to a relationship. We were discussing my value and what I bring to a relationship that is far more valuable than money. Kate (my therapist) looked at me and said “Ozzy I want you to see what you bring to any relationship as valuable. I want you to see that you are a great catch and an excellent girfriend especially now having walked through the last two years and came out stronger then ever before. You own a successful business that you built with your hands, you own your home and it doesn’t matter if you inherited the money. You made the correct choice to buy a home for yourself and not spend the money frivolously …….” She kept talking but I was gone and nodding. She saw it and went quiet. For the first time I agreed with her. Wholeheartedly in my heart I agree with her. The realization stunned me silent for a moment. After six years with her I looked at her and said “you’re right and I know you’re right. I know you’re right because I know who I am and what I do all day everyday. I like how I run my life. I am the shit.”
When I let go of shame for my childhood and entire past it opened a door I had thought I might never get open. A massive door in my heart with a sign that reads “the ability to love oneself”. I saw it as cemented shut for all of eternity and was trying to learn to live with it. In that moment yesterday I realized I love me
again, more than before…… I just love me. No big bomb. No trumpeting angels on high. Just calm peaceful acceptance and love. And acceptance that I am OK with loving me.
And yeah, I am one hell of a catch. And she’s right about another thing too. The next person who gets next to to me is going to have to start with my mind and earn my respect by being who they are. No song, no dance just naturally a bad ass righteous woman with or without me watching. She is going to have to be worthy to stand next to me. And I’m really OK with that too.
Pic is a bracelet I left as a gift for the VooDoo Queen in NOLA in March of 2013.
I’m just going to come right out and say it and I know some of you will unfollow me or leave angry comments.
Josh Duggar should be in jail. Josh Duggar should not be in any form of leadership. Given the opportunity I would serve him my form of justice. His Sisters will live with what he did for the rest of their lives. And now they will know that their parents and the leadership in the church protected their abuser from prosecution thereby telling them they are not important and that the man is far superior to them.
I would like to smack the stupid out of all involved. I can’t even bring myself to post a picture…… God doesn’t cure child molesters you fucking idiots…..
What the fuck is wrong with people? This man preaches against homosexuals and transexuals. People who do not molest children!! WTF Mr. Duggar? I look forward to the day karma reaches up and bitch slaps you. I hope the media destroys everything you and your sick family built and I hope they print pictures.
Burn in hell….. Ohh wait it doesn’t exist. That is why you should be in federal prison getting what is coming to you.
Michelle Duggar you need to search your sole. How can you betray your daughters like this???
Where is the magic line? What is the perfect number of dates before you reveal the flaws you are working on. You know the areas of life you would be embarrassed to discuss with the stranger you just met for first date but topics you should share with someone when “things get serious.” What is serious? Where is the magic line?
I’ve let go of shame. I’m pretty good at facing my demons these days. But when do you share with someone that these are my weaknesses and I’m handling them? Or better yet I don’t need you to handle them for me. I have zero desire to hide anything and just as much desire to not sound like a drama queen. I think I’m going to be me and walk through life with nothing to hide. I am capable of setting good boundaries today. I don’t have to give an explanation for my needs. For the first time in my life I know that I matter and with that comes a kind of freedom. Freedom to speak up pleasantly and get my needs met without explanation of why my past has given me this need. It doesn’t matter. I matter. And I love that I have learned how to be kind, pleasant and still assertive.
I got off track. I’m going tell anyone who gets close to that “feeling” that if something they see or hear bothers them or even just leaves her with a question, to please just bring it to me and I’ll tell you the truth. But I am not going to lay out all my demons past and present. I just don’t see it as necessary any longer. Hmmm….. That’s a change for sure.
Pic is what I did tonight. Those are empty toilet paper roles being made into light up necklaces for little kids.
Im just going to say it. Dating is so weird. Shocking I know. I don’t know that I’ve ever been good at dating until now. I sometimes look back at my behavior as a younger woman and wonder how I survived.
I’m so happy to be a mature woman who can keep her chemicals at bay and think with her head. And by chemicals I mean emotions. I think I may actually enjoy this round of dating because I don’t allow the insane flow of fantasy and emotions. I feel more grounded and centered on me then ever before.
Then again I am female and I could change my mind tomorrow. LoL LoL
This is the second night I find myself not knowing how to start to say what I want to say. I am so caught up in my experience and the way I choose to handle myself that I am just smiling…..
I am finally an adult woman I am proud to be. I am not without flaw. I have made mistakes and I accept that I will make them again. I am not afraid to say “I’m sorry” but I don’t require anyone’s approval. The phrase just keeps ringing in my head. Not in a snotty tone at all. But in a lovely peaceful voice I hear “I am so far beyond this.” How dare I think something like that? How dare I even more tell you about it? Who the fuck do I think I am?
I’ll tell you who. I’m a woman who has walked through enough and seen enough in her short 45yrs on this planet to know when to call a spade a spade and when to say thank you -vs- kiss my mother fuck’n ass. I’ve been done taking shit for many a year now. But over the weekend I realized that I had not finished starting it and sometimes stirring the pot. Not everything needs to be discussed. Not everything needs to be said. And no one is perfect. Everyone is entitled to their moments good and bad. I felt a change in me as fast I realized that it was all bull shit and I am so far beyond it. I just didn’t need it, want it or require an ounce of attention. I don’t know how else to explain what a change that is for me. Everything I did was for me when I needed or wanted it. I can translate that to my life. It was like a bright light coming on for me.
I let my guard down. Completely down. I was ready to come home. I got what I needed and now all I can think about is going forward with a positive attitude. I just want to be with positive people and have fun.
Pic is with the French Toast I was served this morning before leaving camp.
I want to try to share something with you. I already know it will be a struggle to find the words. I pushed past some things this weekend and grew as a person. The growth brought me realizations about my present and my very insecure and neurotic former self.
I was not a “bad person” in the sense of someone not to be trusted or whom would let you down. But I sure did think I was. And my insecurities led me to many a crying break down when faced with the feeling of “they don’t like me.” It’s a huge part of my social anxiety. There were a couple of moments This weekend where the old me (pre-treatment) would have walked away and cried alone because I felt “they were being mean to me because they don’t like me.” Well in my 20’s I would have cried. In my 30’s I would have binge eaten and gone to bed and the last ten years I would have gotten drunk or (other). I would have needed to express or numb the feeling(s).
But this weekend I saw or maybe felt a change in me. I stayed present when the insecure feelings hit. I smiled and I interacted with women I didn’t know. I made new friends. I brought hand made gifts and they were well received. I gave and received love with women I have known for about ten years and some I just met. And I didn’t partake in anything I had no business mixing with my meds. Guess what? The ladies whom I was convinced were treating me like shit ended up thanking me for my gifts and hugging me goodbye when they left. Be it sincere or forced to save face, they did it. Just as I did. The one woman who I know was feeling uncomfortable around me passed a plate of food and we exchanged a “thank you & your welcome.” That was it. She and her friends left early. I have no idea if it has to do with me or not. I don’t have the energy to care.
I never, not one time not even for a second allowed my insecurities to show. I didn’t even “need to talk” and get validation from a friend. I sat in my chair, strutted around in my boots, snapped my new whip everyday and enjoyed myself every single minute. I gave freely of my love and received the same. I laughed and played all over this campground with beautiful amazing women.
I did think of A often. I was asked a few times where she was and how she is doing. I guess the news of our breakup never made the front page of the Burner news. LoL. It’s good that people care. I am grateful I was able to say with complete honesty that her and I have made peace and that I have encouraged her to stay in the community and take a lead role. We both got hurt. Doesn’t make her not an amazing person. Once I got past the anger at the pain, I remembered why I chased her so hard. Because she’s fucking amazing. That was the other moment of growth this weekend. When Inrealized that A will be an asset to these ladies events and to the community. She is one of us. I’m ready to have her around. She has been super respectful of my need for space. I’m grateful for that but it’s time to tell her it’s OK to come around.
Pic is about 7PM in my comfy onesie jammies. Good night.
I really should not be surprised. I was caught off guard. That’s OK. I take it as a good sign. A sign that I relaxed and was ready to be a part of peace. I am happy that when the petty came out of another woman I am able to understand that she doesn’t know me.
She is clearly the friend of the woman I had hoped to make peace with. I dared to dream of a moment where would acknowledge that we are both flawed and we have both walked down a hard road that landed both of us at this event seeking just a little bit of healing. It is not to be. I have not been blantently treated like this since middle school. The only difference being that I am a grown woman of 45yrs old who is capable of holding her ground with a smile. I succeeded in acting like I had no idea they have clearly discussed me and have zero intention of allowing peace or love.
That’s Okay. I take the sign. I am ready. I sat there in my camp chair thinking I am so far beyond this behavior. I am ready for the next revolution. I have no anger and no judgement. I am simply beyond this. I am moving on.
Pic is snapped in my cabin when I felt settled. Sorry if it doesn’t go through.