Pinball Wizzard 

I pulled into my driveway at exactly midnight.  I can’t tell you the last time I had that much fun on a date let alone a first date.  I am almost afraid to write about it for fear of jinxing it.

It took two hours for me to build up the courage to say hello and introduce myself at SEAF.  I knew myself well enough to know now or never and immediately asked if I could buy her dinner.  It took me a few changes of clothes to settle and a great deal of self talk to relax tonight.   But I did it.  I completely relaxed, let down my guard and just played.  I didn’t worry about anything but having fun, laughing and listening.  To my great delight she flirted heavily with me and made first physical contact.  I had to smack myself.  She likes you dumb ass.  She really likes you so stop worry and just have fun.  I flirted back.  We hugged and squeezed and finally a peck on the lips.  Four hours of pinball and shuffle board and I reluctantly  called it a night because I was exhausted.

She told me what a great time she had and she wants to see me again before I could even ask.  So I agreed and told her I felt the same.  We agreed to see other again next week.

She’s gorgeous.  Exactly my type.  She could not have been more clear how into me she is.  I hope I communicated the same.  No pics here – it would be inappropriate.  Good Night

Pic is me giving intentional duck face to make a friend smile just before I left for my date.  Soooooo pretty! 

Damsel in Defense 

I went to an interesting party tonight.  It was an old fashioned Tupperware party setting but the company is called Damsel in Defense.  The products are self defense products designed for women.

There was a huge debate on the FB invite and apparently a few ladies were offended.  I’m not on FB and didn’t see the debate.  I went to support my friend who’s feelings were hurt by the attack she received for even having the party.  I ended up buying a stun stick.  It looks like a baton, is very light weight and send 7million volts out the end of it.  There is a wrist band that has a pin so if the wand is taken from me it will not work.  It has a bright flash light too.  I absolutely love it for walking the dogs.  The first time one of the stun guns was fired the entire room jumped and yelped.  Just seeing someone point at you and give it a charge will make 90% of people back away.  I felt empowered and safe with it in my hand.

Guess what? It’s a Christian company.  I gave them some of my money and my best friend booked a party.  Us, the heathens, freaks & liberals.  I absolutely support what this company is doing to empower women to defend themselves.  Before you judge, I urge you to attend a party and educate yourself. 

The pic is in my kitchen on the way out the door tonight.  Yes that is SEAF art from years gone by hanging behind me. I’m starting to love my new hair…. Finally.

Good Night! 

My mirror is a lie

When I look in the mirror I see a lie.  The person standing in front of me is not who I am inside.  It’s as if a light went on and I realized why I am so unhappy with my appearance lately.  The weight I gained is not just damaging to my body but it hides me from the woman I want to meet and love.  It is a shelter and a disguise I have used for years.

I have looked at women of a certain style and longed to be dating, loving and having passionate sex with since about age 16.  I knew I looked at women sexually at age 13 because it’s the same time I looked at men sexually.  I am 100% born a natural bi-sexual.  50/50 right down the middle I am attracted to both and could not choose one over the other if thinking in only purely sexual terms.  However, I have recently made a decision.  It’s all part of the revelation about who I am and who I want to love.

I am a Lesbian by choice.  I am a fem.  I am attracted to butch women.  I prefer a soft butch but have caught myself looking at harder butch women as well.  I see the women I want to enjoy life with everywhere I go now.  Like suddenly they stand out and are saying hello to me.  Does this make me a baby dyke?  LoL.  The best part?  I am motivated and ready to let Oz back out and let me shine.  I have a goal.  I no longer believe I am damaged goods and broken beyond lovable.

I have to change what I see in the mirror……. I want to and I am excited to be doing it with joy for me.  Have a great day.

Finding Me Again 

This past weekend for the first time in a long time I felt like me again.  I got all dressed up and attended the Seattle Erotic Art Festival as a guest for the fist time in nine years.  My friends and I had a fancy dinner together thanks to a gift certificate from a client.

  
It’s the first time in two years I wore and felt amazing in black leather.  I saved up my spoons and did great.  I wore flat over the knee black leather boots.  My feet and knees never said a word.  I was with my friends, I saw more friends and I made a couple new friends.  It was me, Oz in my element and I loved it.

I had therapy today.  I realized a few things in that session.  That I am afraid to feel good again because I am unsure it will last and I still don’t believe I deserve to feel good.  And I learned that Just because I have PTSD does not mean I am broken and deserve to be treated with any less respect than any other woman in other relationship.  We were talking about my recent break up and I was getting teary eye’d.  My therapist asked me why it is so important for me to take so much of the blame.  My only answer was “because I snapped, I got triggered and I was no longer the woman she fell in love with.  I was crazy there for awhile.”  And she replied “just because you have PTSD doesn’t mean you deserve less then anyone else.”  In a flash I realized I see myself as damaged goods again.  I had stopped that.  I suppose it comes with being triggered.

So what remains of “the trigger” was also today’s topic.  I still have the following and more:

1)Intrusive thoughts – mine are violent and quick.  They used to send me into a panic when I was in my 20’s.  When this trigger happened the violent graphic images came crashing back.  Everything from the man walking towards me in the grocery store throwing me to the ground, beating me and raping me, to visions of my dogs being mauled to death in front of me.  The images are still coming.  I argue back as I do with the waves of anxiety.  I call them false and lies of the PTSD.   I say it out loud if needed to make the intrusive thoughts stop.  I would like them to stop altogether again.

2)Violent Nightmares – these have never really stopped but they grow less violent and less scary as the PTSD quiets.  Right now they are still nightly but not so graphic.  Most nights I am running scared or trying to escape a collapsing building.  20+ yrs later I am actually used to the dreams.  But when “he” makes an appearence I know I am still struggling.  He has popped in a few times lately.  I think he actually spoke to me in one dream.  I’m better at blocking them out now.  I credit the meditation with that one.

3)Feeling detached – I still feel like to some degree I am just floating through life waiting for it to be over.  Like I am in a conversation with someone and I can’t tell you what they said because my mind could not focus.  I can be looking someone in the eye and my mind is gone.  No idea what they said.

4)Depression – I still fight off the urge to cry or completely melt down everyday.  I do not always win.  I try to keep busy because the moment I am alone and bored the tapes tell me I am the biggest piece of shit to walk the earth.  I do everything I have learned to fight it.  I refuse to give in and be 300+ pounds and miserable again.  I refuse!

5)Irrational fear – it’s trying and I argue.  But again it is not silent. 

Inserts pic is me Friday night.  Featured image on top is art I bought Friday night at SEAF.

You’re Ugly 

As I mentioned the other day I’ve been struggling with the “you’re fat & ugly” tape.  It’s been on constant reply with the volume turned up for a few days now. Damn I can’t lie.  It has been more like weeks.   The volume only got louder in the last few days but the tape has been on for awhile.

I have caught myself literally sitting down just to listen to the tape tell me how fat and unfeminine I am.  I look around for a distraction.  I have to make myself say “no, not true” and get up.  I tried buying new skin care and makeup.  Didn’t work but came with guilt.  So I am back to being aware and talking to myself with gentle love.  Why do I have to be “back” to doing these things.  As if being loving towards myself some how signals a low point???  It’s because I stop telling myself kind things and I sink.  Then I start up again.

How long until I finally “forget” to stop loving me?  How long until it is second nature? 

The pic is my camps Burning Man art car. I had zero to do with building it.  I tend bar and look good – that’s my job 😋

NRE Not just for Poly people

There is a term in the Poly / Sex Positive / Kink world known as “new relationship energy” or NRE for short.  It is the chemical reaction that comes with the excitement of dating someone new.  It is for some, like a drug.  There are people in our community who are known for jumping Primary Partners because while they claim to be Poly what they really are is hooked on NRE.  It leaves a lot of hurt feelings behind because the jumper is usually very intense and all-encompassing in the beginning.  Then as familiarity sets in they have to go start a new relationship in order to feel good.  Even in Poly, the partners left behind are often hurt.

When I first came out as bi-sexual, kinky & poly myself. I most certainly had my run with NRE.  I was warned.  I nodded and said I understood.  I got stung by that bee and looking back I can see where I stung a few people as well.  I am really happy thus far with the level of restraint I have shown to not only resist taking the drug but to recognize when it is dangling in front of me and be able to clearly see a different path.  I have grown.  I didn’t realize it until this woman started flirting with me and didn’t let up after a couple of days.  I have been walking in my light and expecting nothing of her.  If I catch myself wondering about something in the future and it includes a question of will she or won’t she I see it very quickly and I just stop.  “Nope not gonna play that wonder game” is what I hear in my head and I move on.

Now is there a balance?  Yes there has to be.  I know when I will see her next and what it will look like we have a general plan.  It’s come clean for me night.

When I say I let myself do what I want after my divorce when I was single.  That’s putting it really mildly and nicely.  I would not allow myself to do anything I would not being willing to look my son in the face and admit.  It kept me from doing a lot of drugs and a lot of stupid shit.  Not that I didn’t do drugs and stupid shit.  But I’ve never done heroin and I walked away from cocaine really quick because I knew it would it take me.  Are you kidding me?  At the time really pure cocaine entered my world I was spinning in PTSD, drinking daily, in horrid nightmare pain and writing about how my life was nothing but hell.  That shit made me feel like a God.  Let me put it to you this way.  It was still in brick form when my share was cut off.  If you just licked your lips, you know what I mean.  Anyway….. I was lucky.  I looked in the mirror (literally) and asked myself “really? you fucking know better and what about your son?”  I walked away while I still could.  It was a very brief run because I liked it way too much.  

How do you tell someone FYI when I say I was a pro-Dom I’m not talking gentle easy bull-shit.  I was trained for two years.  I have a reputation in both the Burner and Kink community.  There are videos and pics on the net that I will never get back.  My parents were informed in case of worse case scenario like I accidentally died in a dungeon.  I wanted them to know from me just in case.  I have a reputation for being a bitch.  I wrote about this in a previous blog.  It’s something I am working to change.  Ohhh and by the way I have the reputation because I worked hard to get it…….

Yeah NRE is just not for Poly.  And I promise you this, she is not Poly.  I can smell the monogamy on her.   The pic is me 2007 at our regional event in WA.  It’s like 9AM and I am hung over and blissfully happy.  I was laying on the rock just soaking in the rays when a close friend asked if she could take the pic.  I mumbled something about fine whatever and was emailed this pic a week later.  Good times.  I will be strong again!

I’m having a day….

I’m having a day.  An emotional day.  A day of thinking and feeling anxious and horrible about myself.  The hate talk in my head has been on for a week or so now but it got really loud this morning.

When I look in the mirror I see fat, wrinkles on my face and even worse redness on my skin.  I am avoiding mirrors.

I’m wondering what’s up?  On Sunday I spent the day with a man who told me and continues to tell me that I am beautiful and that he can’t stop thinking about me.  Isn’t that interesting?  The affection and attention of this man has somehow caused my sense of self loathing to go up.  What the mother fuck?  The tapes are on so loud that I can barely think.

“You are so fat, he just wants to use you for sex”  This after he has acted like a complete gentleman and put the sex firmly in my hands.

“You are so old your skin is starting to wrinkle so you know that no man will ever really find you beautiful again.”

“Who do you think you are?  You can’t possibly make that business move and be successful.  You are a failure and always will be.”

And of course the always present and loudest “Everyone knows your a piece of shit and wishes you would just stay home and eat alone anyway.  Why don’t you just give up, give in and be 350pnd recluse.”

Now let me tell you what else is interesting.  I have barely eaten for the last few days and what I have eaten was healthy.  I am feeling sharp hunger pains for the first time in a long time.  When I was my biggest I went years without ever feeling hungry.  The first few pains are startling when you feel them.  AND I have not had an opiate pain reliever today.  Yes I woke up sore and tight.  I had decompression therapy yesterday.  My pain has not reached “holy fck I need a Vicodin” yet today.  I have smoked MMJ.  Do you think I could be in opiate withdrawal already?  My last one was at 5PM yesterday…..

So yeah call emotional……. just someone please remind me that it s just a day, that I allowed to hide for the rest of day having met my obligations and that again and again and again Oz….. Everything is going to be alright.  I’m going to lay down or maybe meditate.

I refuse to have a bad attitude 

I made it out to my friends daughters five year old Bday party.  Per Mom’s request I stopped at Value Village and picked up some books on the way.  I made it for one hour before my back began to complain.  I fought it for as long as I could and then excused myself.

The sun is shining.  I’m sitting in my bed with a heating pad on my back.  The curtains are open and the sun is shining on my bed.  I’m watching The Big Bang Theory and I just rolled a joint.

I’ve been fighting tears all day.  I cried this morning pretty hard.  I cried for A and the love we somehow lost.  I sobbed.   Honestly, it makes me feel like a fucking idiot when I cry for her.  I must be the biggest fucking looser on the planet when it comes to love.  I do not want her back.  I want the pain of loosing her and the love I have for her to stop.  I’ve reached a place of refusal.  I refuse to keep crying over her.  I refuse to hate her.  I refuse to be mean.  I refuse to have a bad attitude.  Yeah right….. Someday.

I’m in pain.  It’s interrupting my life.  I’m not going to be sad as well when I know I can choose otherwise.

  

27 Questions 

27 Questions because I need to distract myself from the pain.  I’m in a great mood just in bed with pain so far today.  I saw it on Tessa Can Do It but I don’t know to add a link to her.  Being a baby blogger, I’m not that cool yet.

1)What bill do you hate paying the most? 

All of them equally.

2) Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

That would be with A.  She didn’t respond well to romance.  That’s all I’ll say on that.

3) What do you really want to be doing right now?

Walking in the sunshine with no pain at Critical NW.

4) How man colleges did you attend?

Two

5) Why did you choose the shirt you have on right now?

For comfort.  It’s a flannel night gown.

6) What are your thoughts on gas prices?

It should be free

7) First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

I don’t use an alarm.  Waking thought was “I wonder how bad my back is today?”  The same it has been since about October.

8) Last thought before going to sleep last night?

What do I miss her so much?

9) Do you miss being a child?

Fuck NO!

10) What errands / chores do you despise?

Cleaning the dogs area.

11) Get up,early or sleep in?

I started waking up early a couple years ago and it annoyed me.  Now I have learned to use that time.

12) Have you found real love yet?

Yes

13) Favorite lunch meat?

Deli turkey 

14) What do you get every time you go into Walmart?

I don’t go to Walmart.

15) Beach or lake.

Either please.  Any day.

16) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

No

17) Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?

Sopranos every time.

18) What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

Ozzy Osbourne 

19) Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

Yes and it was awful.

20) Ever use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? 

No

21) Rig tone?

Crazy Train

22) Strangestbplace you have ever brushed your teeth?

Burning Man

23) Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

A winery 

24) At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

Relationship.  That answers scares me but it’s the truth.

25) How old are you?

45 

26) Do you have a go to person?

Yes.  I am blessed to have a few amazing friends and a great family.

27) Are you where you want to be in life?

No.  But acceptance is my goal.  So if I accept where I am then I should be able to say yes.