Why does bored time alone equal mentally beating myself up time? Why am I so damn hard on myself all the time? I do not like being alone because I beat up on me ((((POP)))) Damn that hit like a backhanded bitch slap that was meant for someone else and you caught it.
Okay. Well I know now. I kinda always knew but had not put it together let alone written it down somewhere for the world to see. Are we back to the low self esteem issue? Does it matter? Not really. What matters is that the information is now at the front of my brain and I can use this information. Damn does that last sentence make me the crazy bitch or what?When i get bored, I beat on me. I pick me apart. I can jump from topic to topic. I find everything that I consider wrong with my life and I rip into me for it. I can move myself to tears just thinking about how horrible I am and how I should just drop away from my entire life and live a quiet barely surviving fat womans life.
Damn. That’s a serious problem when you have an injury like mine and a food / eating addiction. I often wonder if I will ever stop the self hating tapes. I have to find distractions for my mind and hands. I am happiest when crafting or making art. Music and not television. I have to be careful not to let myself sit and beat on me while my back heals. I used to be able to happily waist days watching television. Now I lose my mind and feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Funny how we change.
So I must decide what I want to learn while passing this time. Ohhh yes I should find something I want to learn and spend this down time engaged in mastering that “thing.” Emmmm hmmmm…..